A Week Later

Man, I dont even now where to start. I like someone, and as hard as it is for me to admit that it is even harder to step out of my box and make it happen. I am afraid that things aren't what they seem. I know what I want in my life, and to step out of my box and stand up and say it is a lot harder than i thought it would be. I don't want to make this decision in my life and it blow up in my face. Then i would have to try to explain to people what happened. I dont know, I think I need time to myself today. I think I need to sit around and think about what I want and how I want to get it because I need to be sure on what I am doing.
This week at work it was so insane, not like busy but like every patient in the whole doctor's office was calling for something crazy. So here it is Saturday morning and my weekend will probably consist of nothing. I know how this goes...last night I had this amazing time and I want to tell her about it but what if she don't want to be all like that...ugh.
Anyways, life is wild...i want to talk to Matt about it, he would know what to tell me.
Jodee

Saturday Night Then Church?

Ok,so last night I had met a new girl, she is amazing looking, and sooooo sweet. We ended up drinking and having a lot of fun. She asked if I was dating Keith and I said no, and I don't know if she believed me but I'm not. I kissed her and in my head I was like woooohoooo. I hope she calls me today it would totally suck if she didn't. I was trying to be me 100% and not try to impress just be me. So anyways, we took her home and Keith and I went to sleep. I woke up at 10:30 and then went and woke him up and he was like "Let's go to church" and yesterday of course this was a good plan to me but the motivation after that was gone. I didn't want too, something about change sets my anxiety off. But I maned up and went. When I walked into the auditorium and sat down it was weird all the sudden I felt God. And through the whole process I would tear up because things the speaker said touched me and made me feel God more. It was the most unbelievable thing to try to explain. Only a stray sheep could know what I am talking about I think. But Keith living here is ending up being a better thing than I could have imagined. He is taking me out and my anxiety is there when I get into the car to leave but I know eventually that I will get over it and I will end up being better. This church has group programs where you can get help for depression, anxiety, and other dependencies. It's like God put Keith in my life to help me get better and it is a good thing. Well thats about it for today. Talk soon, Jodee

My New Life

Ok, so maybe this will help me move on with my life. I have no idea, but here is where I am at in my life. I am 30 years old, I live with my x, who is now turned best friend but at the same time enemy because he is taking everything i love and hiding it. My husband left me to go find hisself and the smart part of me is glad because we have had problems almost since day 1. But my heart wants him to stay and work things out. He comes around to help me out and we act like things never went bad, but that does a number on my heart. I have been put a way for a nervous breakdown once, I have to go to therapy twice a month to keep my anxiety and depression down to where I can function daily, and yet now I want to start dating. I don't know if I want to date to get my mind off Matt or because I am ready to date again. I have thought about this a lot, and I am not willing to date men. I have had gf's before and before matt for two years that was all I dated, and now I want to go back. Not because I have been so damaged by Matt that I dont want men, it's just I miss women. I miss their voice, the smell of their skin, and the way they act. I like being the male in the relationship as funny as that sounds...well if you knew me that would be funny to you. The apartment I live in I love, I love the way it is layed out and I love the space I have. When i get my bills all paid up it will be so much better I can afford the things I want. Like I want a pretty headboard, and matching items. LOL what a girl I am. I have a lot of dreams for my life, and I dont know how to put them together and get them done. I need to get a car first and foremost and then I think i will go from there. That won't be till February though, but on the positive end, that will give me time to get my credit in order. Do I actually think someone will read this, no, but does it make me feel better that I am writing this all down yes. I need to vent and venting on a piece of paper don't make me feel all that better beccause noone can read it. This makes me feel better because I can get feed back if someone actually comes across me. What I ultimately want out of this blog is friends, or people who can give me feedback on what is going on in my life. Thanks for listening.

jodee